First things first... How to rent an apartment

A short guide for those moving to NYC:

What you need:

• Lots of $$$. No, more than that. More. More. No, MORE. Okay, that will do for now.
• Every piece of paper related to $$$ that you've ever received - what do you mean, you threw away a credit card application when you were 16? That's needed. Write the credit card company for a new one. It doesn't matter that you didn't apply for the card, the paper was sent to you. Can you understand that? No? Maybe you shouldn't rent an apartment here.
• Did I mention $? I did? I'm going to mention it again.
• A vial of your first-born child's blood to sign all lease paperwork with. You don't have a first-born child? That's okay, no worries. Come back in 10 months after you've had a baby and then we can talk.
• Thick skin - you need this to tune out when inevitably things about you start to get made fun of. Your salary will always be amusing no matter how much you make.
• An idea of where you want to live - although with what you want to spend on rent a month (hint: it's always too little), you'll never be able to afford to live there.
• More money, more money, more money!

How to actually look for an apartment:

• "Walk around the neighborhood and look for signs for apartments for rent". Hahaha. Yeah right. It's cold outside. And I'm chubby. Is there anything less cardio I can do?
• Craigslist? Now we are talking. I can do that from the warmth of my current apartment. Anything else?
• Apartment brokers? Okay. Should I pay for one? It depends? On what? You don't know? You aren't any help are you?

How many apartments should you look at:

• 1. According to um, well, everyone, always take the first apartment you look at because they rent fast.

Approval process / signing the lease

• Money is needed. Is anyone shocked by this now? Application fees, and pet deposits, and credit checks, Oh My!
• Time - and a well-padded butt. Seriously. Skinny people beware. Those leases be long!

The lease is signed, now what?

• Booze. You earned it.

In all seriousness... aka... I'm not just a jackass

We literally just went through the process of renting an apartment in NYC, and we did it from San Francisco. I understand that times are different now, the economy is in the shitter and nobody moves to NYC in January because it's so cold, so we might've had it easier than some. Here is what we did discover:

• You really do need $. I'm not lying about that.
• Figure out what neighborhood you want to live in or around before you start looking. If you've never been to NYC or really don't know what some of the neighborhoods are like, Google is your friend.
• Have a figure in mind for what you want to pay in rent. Make sure to check out Craigslist to make sure that the figure you want to spend and the neighborhood you want to live in, line up.
• Brokers - We worked with a couple (all non-fee). 1 was a real asshole, 1 was completely on a different planet, and 1 guy showed us a neighborhood we weren't considering but turned out to be completely awesome with an apartment that had everything we wanted in the price range we wanted to pay. We obviously went with the asshole.
• Okay, I lied, we obviously went with broker #3.
• We looked at about 10 different apartments, but all in the same day, and we did make a decision that day on our apartment.
• Get rid of your car. You don't need it.
• NYC is way more pet-friendly than San Francisco is - this surprised me.
• Bank statements, letters of employment (signed), credit checks, W-2 forms (I know, right?), and again, money - all are needed. ALL. ARE. NEEDED.
• Your apartment is going to be way smaller than you realized. Even living in San Francisco now (and thinking I'm pretty used to confined spaces), it was a shock.
• Your apartment is going to be way more expensive than you realized. Blah blah blah - insert San Francisco statement....
• NYC RULES. You will love it.

Finally...

• I wasn't lying about the booze.